OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
