I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
