I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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