ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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