Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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