I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
