I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize