i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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