I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize