I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
