it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
