Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
