Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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