omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
They have beer where we have blood.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You ruined the universe
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
