My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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