He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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