Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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