at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
