watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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