fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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