I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
