I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
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