I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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