You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
