We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
