Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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