What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
