Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
