I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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