there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
