I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
