I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
