I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize