I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
