everyone is single if you try hard enough
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
