I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Acid is not a monday night drug
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
