Non-Jews are for practice
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My feet surprised me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
