The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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