two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
