it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
