Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
