My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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