I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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