On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
