Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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