My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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