omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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