i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
