GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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