I'm eating all of the evidence.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
