someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
