I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
