Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize