dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
