Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
