I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's rum buckets o'clock
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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