well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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