It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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