No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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