wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
