I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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