you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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