Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
