I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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