the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you inspire me to be a worse person
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
